I watched “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande” the week it came out. It struck a chord, as I suspected it would after seeing the trailer. Women of “a certain age” bathe in insecurities about their bodies and often feel unworthy of affection and intimacy. Discomfort, embarrassment, and shame prevent us even from talking amongst ourselves about it, so we often suffer alone and in silence. The media do little to assuage these misgiving, until now.
This film, starring Dame Emma Thompson and Daryl McCormack tackles the subject, to which I can relate, with frank finesse. Together, Thompson and McCormack explore the issues of sexuality and intimacy with which women overlooked as “over the hill” struggle. Granted, I would stare at Daryl McCormack doing anything for one hour and thirty-seven minutes, but through his character, the pair grapple not only with the physical and emotional needs of older women, but also with the plights of neglected sons and sex workers.
I had read the hype and, before even seeing it, applauded Ms. Thompson for her willingness to bare all – body and soul – to take a magnifying glass to the angst many of us experience but few are willing to discuss openly. And to (spoiler alert) strip down completely naked in front of a full-length mirror to look unflinchingly at the flaws and features of a sixty-something woman. Her fearless vulnerability is disarming and beautiful, and in one fell swoop, assuaged my angst over my own perceived shortcomings. While McCormack’s character’s willingness to really hear and see Ms. Thompson’s might have been the sexiest thing he did for her, the physical congress was pretty satisfying too.
Ms. Thompson plays a woman who lost her husband, with whom she had an unsatisfying sex life, two years prior. She decides to pursue more satisfying physical intimacy, and hires Mr. McCormack to help. I could relate to her character so deeply; in real life, she and I are the same age. However, my marriage ended fifteen years ago, and in that time, intimacy has all but disappeared from my life. In fact, so has almost all physical contact.
I had a little look around the internet to see how this might affect me. Human contact results in the release of oxytocin and stimulates many bodily functions positively. The lack of it, known as “touch deprivation,” can have quite an adverse impact: In addition to triggering feelings of acute loneliness, it can result in or exacerbate depression, anxiety, stress, low relationship satisfaction, difficulty sleeping, and a tendency to avoid secure attachments (among other things, according to healthline.com). This revelation both saddened and relieved me. I felt like I was surreptitiously sneaking a peek at a doctor’s notes in my personal file: they horrified me, but also explained so much. It gave a technical name to something that I’ve experienced for more than a decade.
In this film, Ms. Thompson and Mr. McCormack let me know that not only infants in orphanages languish when bereft of human contact. This very real syndrome can cause suffering at any age. COVID-19 also shed light on this condition as it kept so many of us so isolated for so very long.
“Maybe you should engage a male escort,” said my younger son, half seriously, when I debriefed him on both the movie and my emotions. I appreciate, by the way, that he is one of the only people in my life who is willing to give me a deep, heartfelt hug when we meet. My research showed that the touch did not necessarily need to be sexual in nature. An embrace, a brief shoulder caress, even a firm handshake can cause the positive chemicals to course through our bodies.
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet,” I told him. “Although I have had this odd, unconsummated, long-distance flirtation with a man much younger than I for several years. But for some reason, that just doesn’t feel right,” I explained, while sparing him uncomfortable detail. I’m not certain what would feel right, but I am certain that it’s not what’s not happening now.
“Mmm, I get it,” he said. And he gave me a good hug. I recommend the movie, and good hugs.
“Good Luck to You, Leo Grande”: Intimacy at a Certain Age
Thanks for this. Even married women can struggle with touch deprivation. This I know from personal experience. Life can sometimes be lonely.